I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
