Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize