Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
