The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
