OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
