everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
