Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Edward fifth and chaser hands
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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