i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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