all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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