I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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