***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize