you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
