operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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