I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
