I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
