dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cut my penus on the lid.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
