I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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