Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
