Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
