Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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