in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
