my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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