The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
