Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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