Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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