If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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