I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
