best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize