It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
