Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
