You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
