I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize