Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
