i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
love makes seman taste better
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
