im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
