we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We were destined to go to rehab together
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
