oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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