Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All the doctor said was why
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
