UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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