Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
