yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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