If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
