Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
