I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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