I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
