I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
