So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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