so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize