it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
