Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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