he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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