So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
