I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
