It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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