The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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