she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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