I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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