Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I need moral support for this bender
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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