I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
