This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
