I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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