Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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