Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
