i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
